of my souls, then i could manage to change myself the way
I want it to be."
My peers have known me for being a shy, silent, conservative and a very passive individual. But never did they know that I also had trouble getting along with others. There was time in my life that I was a loner. I once secluded myself from anyone's company. Somehow, I have changed a bit, I've got friends now, but they're not enough. Having them did not permit me to unlock the door to my heart. I always think that things are much better when they are kept unsaid.
People would always praise me for my humility. They just don't know how my other side brags about whatever achievements I have had. Seldom would you see me feel neither happy nor triumphant over my accomplishments. But here, I want to show them off to the rest of the world. It’s just that I can’t do it bluntly because I don’t want to ruin the image that had settled in people’s minds that I am this ever-sweet girl who can never be so humble. But the truth is I am boastful, arrogant and proud.
I have never lost any competition. Do you know why? It’s simply because I have never participated in any. I’m afraid to compete for I don’t want to experience the pain and the embarrassment of losing. I’d rather not try than lose for to lose would mean death.
I don’t tell people what I truly feel about them. I just keep it locked inside me. Whenever I’m angry with someone, I would never confront him. My actions would just show my anger. But most of the time, I won’t show them. Instead, I would still treat them nicely and good although I want to explode in anger. I can really become hypocrite whenever I intend to.
I have never uttered the words “I love you” to anyone – not even to my parents, siblings, friends or to anyone dear to me. It’s just so hard to express especially to that someone you’ve chosen to commit your whole being. It seems as if part of me is being taken and that I want to avoid the feeling of being rejected and get hurt in the end. Again, I’d rather not.
I am cheater in the fact that I always think that everything’s going alright, that I can handle my problems well and that I don’t care much if I’m going on the wrong direction. And yes, I am a great pretender. Nobody had ever seen me cry. I want others to see me as an insensitive and a strong built girl who is capable of taking care of things by her.
The more pain I feel, the more I feel depressed and frustrated. There’s no one I can turn to share mi miseries. Of course, there may be some who are always behind me, but I don’t know how to open myself. Not because I don’t trust them, but how can I trust others when I myself don’t know what trust is.
Recently, I thought I found the person who would teach me how to trust. Even if I regarded myself as clever and picky, I didn’t know how I ended up with a fraud. The goddamn messed up my life and became an addition to my frustrations.
I don’t enjoy this kind of situation that I am in now. My heart is filled with mixed emotions: anger, pain, heartaches, sufferings, frustrations, miseries and a thousand else. I think I’m almost at the brink of insanity. I can’t hold on, anytime soon I will fly into a rage. I’m losing grip of reality. I wanted to be outspoken, strong and confident and I wanted to be somebody that I am not. That’s why I envy people who speak of what they feel because they can breathe easily and live life at its fullest, unlike me.
Right now, I do hope that there would be somebody who can figure out my real being. If someone could go beyond the inner recesses of my souls, then I could manage to change myself the way I want it to be.
How I wish that this revelation would lead me to try reaching out to people. All I need is your help and your support. Will you?
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